Find out more about OverDrive accounts. There is a much better way! Myles Munroe is an internationally acclaimed teacher and conference speaker with several best-selling books to his credit. In Waiting and Dating, Dr. Munroe offers a balanced, biblical view for every believer who wants a prosperous and fulfilling marriage relationship. He offers some of the best advice you will ever find on the subject of finding the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life.
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To Chairo, my precious son: You have taught me the art of being a father by demanding from me the things a father needs to give his son. May you continue to be an example of the values and standards we showed and taught you through our marriage relationship. To every single unmarried person who desires the best in relationships: May the principles on these pages serve as a roadmap on your journey through the emotional seasons of interpersonal relationships.
Acknowledgments No accomplishment in life is without the cooperative e ort of many gifted people who willingly and passionately dedicate themselves to excellence and quality. This book is no di erent. All we are on this human journey to eternity is the sum total of what we have learned from those who have shared their thoughts with us. Thank you all for making me who I have become. First, this book is the result of my own experience through the passage of youth to adulthood, and the successful transition to married life as a year-old virgin.
In this regard I would like to thank my dad, Matthias Munroe, and my beloved mother, Louise Munroe, who laid an excellent foundation in the Word of God for all of their 11 children. Thirdly, my precious daughter and son, Charisa and Chairo, allowed me to transmit these principles to their generation. Thanks also to Don Milam and Lisa M. Ott, who helped guide this project to its nish, who kept up with my hectic travel schedule while making sure I stayed on my publishing schedule.
Thank you for your commitment and constant support. Every society has its own customs in this regard, certain rites of passage through which its youth must navigate successfully in order to be recognized as mature, responsible men and women. Dating is an important vehicle in our culture for giving young men and women the opportunity to get to know one another in a socially acceptable manner. From a sociological standpoint, dating trends and practices indicate overall societal health, because the way people behave while dating usually reveals how they will behave when married.
Habits and attitudes established during the dating years generally carry over into marriage. As important as dating is in our society, however, questions remain in the minds of both parents and young people alike. What, exactly, is dating? What is its purpose? These are important questions that deserve solid answers. Understanding dating is essential not only for teenagers and their parents, but also for older, newly single people who, because of divorce or widowhood, are re-entering the dating scene.
There is more involved than simply assigning a chronological age. Adolescents mature at di erent rates, and girls usually mature faster and earlier than boys do. Part of maturity is knowledge, and there are four principles or prerequisites that every person should meet before they begin dating. First of all, you are not ready to date until you are fully aware of both the benefits and the dangers of dating.
Once you understand not only the perks but also the pitfalls of dating, you are mature enough to begin opening yourself up to more serious relationships. This is important for developing self-confidence and social interaction skills as well as for learning respect for each other as persons of worth, value, and dignity. At the top of the list of potential dating pitfalls is the danger of becoming physically and emotionally involved too quickly at too deep a level, leading to inappropriate behavior.
To put it another way, we interact with each other in the spiritual, soulical, and physical dimensions. This progression is very important. Healthy relationships should always begin at the spiritual and intellectual levels—the levels of purpose, motivation, interests, dreams, and personality. The physical dimension is the least important of the three, yet that is where we usually start.
Everywhere we turn in society—the media, the entertainment industry, the educational system and even, many times, the church—the focus in relationships is on physical attraction first. Young people today face great temptations and are under tremendous pressure from every quarter to jump immediately to the physical in a relationship. Too often they simply plunge ahead with their emotional connection, resulting in frustrated and unfulfilled life dreams.
This requires a certain degree of spiritual maturity. Waiting until you are in a dating situation to decide what is right or wrong or what you will or will not do is too late.
Our modern society has come up with some weird criteria for dating. Some say that a person is ready to date upon entering puberty, or upon becoming a teenager. Dating is no place for trial and error. You should not even begin to develop a serious relationship with anyone until you understand what God expects and requires. If you are not sure, find out first. The third principle for preparing to date follows closely on the heels of the second.
Many people are willing to compromise moral or godly standards in order to get a date or to hold onto a boyfriend or girlfriend. That is immature behavior and will cause a lot of problems. Standing firm on what you believe in is a sign of both spiritual and emotional maturity. There are no second-class areas of life to God.
He is after your best. He wants you to obey Him, follow His Word, and stand firmly on His standards.
Anything less and you cannot expect to receive His best. Close attention to these three principles will help ensure that dating is a healthy and ful lling experience both for you and for the persons you date. Need involves demand and implies that there is something lacking in life.
The opposite of need is choice, which allows for a decision. A legitimate need eliminates choice. Once all our needs have been met, we are then free to choose based on personal preference or desire.
Consciously or subconsciously, the quest to ful ll our perceived needs drives our lives and in uences all our decisions. This is just as true with relationships as with anything else. As long as you perceive lack or incompleteness within yourself, every relationship you enter will be, to one degree or another, an e ort to supply that lack or bring a sense of completeness. Most people enter relationships with some sense of incompleteness or inadequacy. What they usually end up with is a weak relationship.
Neither person can give percent because they both are focusing on what they do not have, which they hope to nd in the other person. The relationship may last only as long as either of them feels it is satisfying their needs or compensating for their deficiencies. You are ready to date only to the extent that you feel whole and complete within yourself, apart from any other person except God.
When you regard dating as a matter of choice rather than necessity, you are ready. It is a matter of your ability to be happy and content whether you are with someone else or not. Consider Adam, the rst man, as an example. The second chapter of Genesis shows us a human being who was whole, complete, and content within himself and his companionship with God: The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food.
In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I will make a helper suitable for him. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.
Before Eve came along, Adam w a s alone, but he was not lonely. Loneliness is a spiritual disease. Adam was alone because he was the only one of his kind, but he was completely ful lled as a person. In tending the garden he had meaningful work to do. In his authority over the other living creatures, he was exercising his God-given dominion over the created order. He enjoyed full and open fellowship with his Creator. He was so preoccupied with doing what God had told him to do that he sensed no need for a mate.
Apparently, the thought never entered his head. Adam was completely self-ful lled; he was ready for a mate when he did not need one. It is the same way with dating. You are ready to date when you have rst learned how to be single. A truly single person is one who is complete physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually without dependence upon anyone else.
Successful singles nd their personal identity and sense of wholeness within themselves and in relationship with God. Because they are complete within themselves, only whole individuals are fully comfortable being alone. For such people a relationship is an added blessing; it is icing on the cake.
A whole person is one who has, rst of all, a healthy self-concept. Many people struggle with feelings of inferiority and self-hatred. Healthy self-love is critically important to personal wholeness because it a ects every other relationship. Someone once asked Jesus what was the greatest commandment of all.
Our rst responsibility is to love God with our whole being. Because He rst loved us, we are able to love Him and, in turn, love ourselves in the sense of having a positive self-image as someone who is loved and valued by God. If we do not love ourselves, it will be di cult for us to love others, or even to relate to them properly.
Secondly, a whole person has a clear and solid faith. To grow your own roots means to have your focus of motivation and control within yourself rather than in other people. Many people allow others to control their lives. They dress to please other people, they buy what others are buying, and they think the way others think. Whole people are self- motivated, internally-directed, comfortable with themselves, and rooted rmly enough to stand strong and con dent in the values they live by, even if at times they seem to be standing alone.
Being alone as a single person has many advantages, especially for a believer. One of the greatest of these is the opportunity to give undivided attention to the pursuit of spiritual growth and a deep relationship with the Lord. In his rst letter to the believers in Corinth, Paul made that very point in describing the value of singleness: Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married?
Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But a married man is concerned about the a airs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord 1 Cor. Unfettered by the ties of marriage or other serious relationships, single people are free to concern themselves wholly with the things of God.
Make the most of this time in your life. Get your spiritual roots rmly embedded in God now, because once you get seriously involved with another person, particularly in a marriage relationship, your time and attention will be divided between that person and your devotion and service to God.
Work to develop yourself fully as a single person. Learn to be like Adam; get completely lost in God today. Become so consumed by God that He will have to interrupt you to bring another person into your life. You will have fewer distractions, a single-minded commitment, and a more open attitude because you will not be pressured by the need to please anyone except God. Learn to be an asset rst. Most people are so busy looking for the one God has prepared for them that they fail to prepare themselves for that person.
Use this time in life to prepare yourself. True singleness is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity. When you can be alone and enjoy it, you are a self-con dent and self- aware person. It means that you have your act together and are ready for a deeper relationship. You have discovered and accepted who you are and can now truly give and share yourself with others.
You are ready to relate effectively. If you are interested in a spiritual person, look for him or her wherever the Spirit of God is. When our eyes are steadfastly xed on God, He brings everything else into our sphere.
But seek rst His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own Matt. Jesus said that we should not worry about our everyday needs such as food, drink, and clothing. If we do that, He will see to it that we receive all those other things. Seeking the Kingdom and righteousness of God is like walking down a road toward a particular destination, keeping our eyes focused on the goal ahead of us.
As long as we stay on the road before us, we grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord and in His righteousness, which means knowing how to live, act, and relate correctly in life. Along the way, various paths and alleys branch o from the road on either side. They represent distractions, things that are not necessarily bad in and of themselves, but can cause us to take our eyes off of the Lord.
Consider a young man who is making his way down the road, diligently pursuing the Kingdom of God. All of a sudden, in one of the alleyways, he sees a very attractive young woman.
Two things have just happened. Second, as he moves toward her, he will at some point step o the path because she is not on the road with him, and because he is not watching where he is going. Unless you keep your eyes straight ahead, the bicycle will not go straight; it will swerve to the left or right and throw you o balance.
If he is not careful, before he knows it, he will end up somewhere he never intended to go. Anytime we start seeking people, we will be led by people. This is the dynamic of balance that God wants us to see. Here is the point: if you have to go look for someone, then the person you are looking for is not on the road with you, not following the same path you are. He or she is not seeking the Kingdom of God.
Anyone you get involved with as a believer should be headed the same way you are, and if both of you are on the same road, at the same approximate place, eventually you will run into each other.
Who are you? As a believer and a follower of Christ, you are a child of God. You are His possession, His property, His precious gem. It will take you the rest of your life to learn about His knowledge, His Kingdom, and His righteousness and, therefore, learning about who you really are. Righteousness means right standing with God. He wants you to know where you stand with Him: who you are in Christ and what you have in Him. If you become preoccupied with who you want, you will lose sight of who you are.
God wants you to become so consumed by His Kingdom and righteousness that anybody you meet will be, rst of all, someone who is on the road with you and, second, at the same place on the road as you are. Because they are moving in the same direction with a similar passion for God and hunger for His righteousness, they are already aligned in a manner that enables them easily to walk in agreement with each other.
This is an important consideration for people who are preparing to date. To walk in agreement with one another, as believers, is a central biblical principle, a primary characteristic of godliness. Nobody can walk with God unless they agree to walk according to His principles and His Word. Walking together is contingent upon agreement.
This same principle also has a prominent place in the New Testament. This is true whether we are talking about a fellowship of believers, two believers joining together in marriage, or two believers entering into a dating relationship. For example, consider the case of a Baptist dating a Catholic. These di erences will make it very challenging, even di cult for this couple to walk together in agreement. No matter how spiritual they may be, or how much prayer or fasting they have done, or even how full of the Spirit they are, they will face daunting obstacles in their relationship as they seek to walk in harmony.
It is not impossible—the Spirit of God can bring harmony of mind and spirit—but it is difficult. They look for a godly return without making a godly investment. Walking in agreement does not mean always seeing eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, but it does mean being in basic agreement in the Lord.
Unity begins with basic agreement in spirit, which then leads to harmony of mind, thought, and judgment. It is the foundation stone for every truly successful, productive, and fruitful relationship. People can share common interests, intellectual pursuits, and have the same goals, but without spiritual agreement, they will still have broken relationships.
The secret to perfect agreement is to agree in the Lord. Our fundamental agreement must be spiritually based, which then provides a solid foundation for agreement in other areas. The basis for spiritual agreement is the Word of God.
As a single, if you want to ensure success in your future marriage, the time to plan and prepare for that success is now, while you are dating. That is why it is just as important to prepare yourself for dating as it is to prepare yourself for marriage. The standards for successful dating are the same as those for successful marriage.
According to the majority of marriage counselors, one of the most common reasons for the breakup of marriages at any stage is lack of intimacy.
Most people associate intimacy with physical or sexual relations, but it is much deeper than that. Those who feel that having sex brings them intimacy are only scratching the surface. Intimacy is not an act. They trust each other more and more with their innermost wishes, dreams, and desires. They trust each other more and more with their innermost emotions. Intimacy, then, is the key to any successful relationship.
Most modern relationships, marriage or otherwise, fall far short of attaining genuine intimacy. One reason for this is because, in our distorted age of romanticism, manipulation, microwave speed and second sound bites, we expect instant intimacy. True intimacy takes time to develop. Many people try to take a short cut to intimacy through physical relations, which always leads to failure.
The rst step to true intimacy in a relationship is developing a oneness of spirit. Relationship does not guarantee fellowship. Living together does not guarantee togetherness. If two people are close together in physical proximity but miles apart in spirit, there is no intimacy. They may be in the same room but in completely different worlds. The first step to true intimacy in a relationship is developing a oneness of spirit.
Ultimately, preparing to date means understanding that the chief purpose of serious dating is to develop true intimacy—a oneness of spirit—between a man and a woman. If you marry your lover, you are basing your marriage on chemical reactions, which change like the weather.
When you date, focus on the spiritual instead of the physical. Use your dating time not to groom a lover but to grow a friend. The problem is that too many people neither understand what true friendship is nor have any real clue how to make friends or how to be a friend. If you desire a friend rather than a lover, and to be a friend rather than to be a lover, then you are ready to date. The next step is to examine what friendship is all about, and learn how to get friends by being a friend.
You are ready to date when you are fully aware of both the bene ts and the dangers of dating. You are ready to date when you have rst learned how to be alone. A whole person has a healthy self-concept. A whole person has a clear and solid faith. A whole person grows his or her own roots in God. You should be preoccupied with preparing yourself for whomever God is preparing for you. Our rst priority as believers is to seek the Kingdom and righteousness of God.
Intimacy is a state of existence in which both partners in a relationship trust the other more and more with their innermost thoughts. The chief purpose of dating is to develop true intimacy—a oneness of spirit—between a man and a woman.
True friendship—not casual acquaintance, but people who are joined together heart and soul—is the foundation for all successful long-term relationships. Friendship does not come to full bloom overnight; it takes time to grow and mature. Building this friendship is the greatest value and, indeed, the primary purpose of dating.
The strongest and most successful long-term relationships are those that are based on friendship rather than on any sense of need or incompleteness on the part of either or both persons involved.
A relationship motivated by need destroys friendship because it is essentially self- centered. Entering a relationship primarily for what we can get out of it defrauds the other person, and that is sin. One problem I have discovered through years of experience in counseling and from my own life is that most people do not understand how to build and maintain wholesome friendships.
Friendship in the world is based inevitably on manipulation. Consciously or not, people in the world use friendships as convenient and expedient opportunities to advance themselves. What the world calls friendship is not true friendship, because true friendship is based on love, which comes from God.
People who are without God do not truly understand love and therefore cannot truly understand friendship. Those we must renew through knowledge and growth. We have to learn how to live and act as children of God. This is probably nowhere harder to do than in relationships, particularly between males and females.
Our newborn spirits tell us one thing while our unrenewed minds and bodies tell us something else. How can I build a relationship based on friendship rather than physical attraction? That is a very common experience for most people. Few of us are taught while growing up how to speak to new people.
On the contrary, we are cautioned not to talk to strangers. It is easy to forget that every friend or acquaintance of ours was a stranger once. Getting our attention o of ourselves can help us develop a greater degree of self-con dence as well as help us learn how to listen more carefully to what others have to say. Focusing on the other person is one of the steadfast principles of friendship. Never talk about yourself; wait for the other person to ask. Instead, get that other person to tell you about himself or herself.
Ask questions and then listen to the answers. His rst law was that we should never talk about ourselves but get others to talk about themselves. There is a very simple reason for this: by nature every human being is interested rst and foremost in himself or herself. Think about it. Sin has made us self-centered, so we have to deliberately plan to go against our natural inclination. That is why making a friend and being a friend are so challenging: we have to work at it. We should never talk about ourselves, but rather, get others to talk about themselves.
Jesus used this very method to build relationships. Hurting and needy people ocked to Him by the thousands because they knew that He was a man Who cared about them and was interested in them personally. Who would not respond that way? True sel essness is rare in the world, but it should be commonplace among the people of God.
Most people like to talk about themselves, and this is a good way to help them feel comfortable and to gain their trust. These questions can be grouped into four basic areas: family, education, interests, and spiritual things. The rst level of friendship- building questions has to do with family. Why ask people about their family? Because nothing is more dear to them. Here are a few examples. What do they do for a living? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Are you married or single?
Do you have any children? What are their names? Where did you grow up? What can you tell me about your family heritage? Even a dropout could talk about the failure of the educational system. Knowing where your new friend stands educationally may be very helpful as you seek to help him or her move toward their personal goals, which is part of what friendship is all about.
What school do you attend? Did you drop out of school? If so, why? What are your future educational goals? Do you want to go to college? This is an excellent way to discover what you may have in common. What sports are you involved in? Do you have any hobbies? What kind of music do you like? Do you sing or play an instrument? What clubs do you belong to?
Do you like to travel? What is your favorite vacation spot? In recent years there has been a great upswing of interest in spiritual things in general, particularly in Western culture. More and more people are becoming open to spiritual or supernatural realities. In seeking new friendships, we can get people talking about spiritual matters.
Do you believe in life after death? Are you a member of a church? Which one? How often do you attend? Ultimately, our purpose in being a friend should be to encourage, lift up, and help build the character of those with whom we are friends, and to do all we can to assist them in achieving their dreams.
Naturally, we cannot do this with everyone we meet, or with anyone right o the bat. Friendship develops in stages. I believe that everyone in the Body of Christ should have as many people as possible in this category.
To the greatest degree practical, we should take the initiative to at least get acquainted with everyone we meet. A friendship of acquaintance is based on occasional contact with very basic and general knowledge of each other. Each level of friendship carries certain responsibilities, and at the acquaintance level it is the responsibility to view our acquaintances as divine appointments.
As believers, we need to realize that none of our encounters are accidental. God places people in our paths—and us in theirs—that we might be a blessing to each other. He has foreordained that we meet. No one is unimportant or beneath us.
We should be alert to discern the reasons God brought them our way. It may be the beginning of a wonderful life- long friendship. How can good acquaintances be friends? There are several things we can do. First, be alert to every new person around us.
Learn as much about them as possible simply by watching but not staring. Second, be careful to wear a cheerful, friendly countenance. In other words, smile at people and be friendly.
Some people go around all the time with such scowls or frowns on their faces that no one even wants to be around them, much less talk to them. We should be cheerful and ready to talk, behaving in a manner that encourages others to talk to us. People appreciate being remembered as an individual rather than being marked o as a number or just another faceless member of the crowd. Number four grows naturally from number three: greet them by name the next time we see them.
A fth step is to ask questions about their interests. Find out what motivates them—what gets them up in the morning. Sixth, we should be good listeners. Seventh, we should remind ourselves of the interest that God has in them, and desire to have that same interest as well.
Relationships at this level are based on common interests, activities, and concerns. Casual friends meet more frequently than do acquaintances, and in avenues that are more personal: playing tennis or racquetball, quilting or sewing, bird watching, studying astronomy, going to clubs or participating in common hobbies. At this level, the friendship is more involved and more personal than at the acquaintance level. Casual friends enjoy getting together occasionally to talk about or share their common interests.
They begin to praise and encourage each other in their achievements and accomplishments. Their attraction is more toward their common interests than toward each other in any emotional sense. A casual friendship is one in which the people involved discover they have some things in common that draw them closer, and is the natural outgrowth of an acquaintance relationship.
How do we strengthen our relationships with our casual friends? There are several ways. First, we should seek to discover their strong points.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, but too often all we hear about are our weaknesses. It is easy to criticize, but for some reason, we nd it much harder to praise and a rm. Second, we should try to learn about their hopes and desires in life.
What are their dreams? If they could have anything in the world, what would it be? If they could do anything they desired, what would they choose? Getting them to talk about their dreams helps them keep those dreams alive and encourages them to pursue them. A third way to be a good casual friend is to show interest and concern if our friends share a problem with us. Fourth, we need to be honest about ourselves and acknowledge our own faults to our friends when appropriate.
Refresh and try again. With an OverDrive account, you can save your favorite libraries for at-a-glance information about availability. Find out more about OverDrive accounts. There is a much better way! Myles Munroe is an internationally acclaimed teacher and conference speaker with several best-selling books to his credit.
In Waiting and Dating, Dr. Munroe offers a balanced, biblical view for every believer who wants a prosperous and fulfilling marriage relationship.
Waiting and dating — Offers view for every believer who wants a fulfilling marriage relationship. This work offers advice on the subject of finding the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life.
It helps you learn: the importance of sharing your faith in God; the need for personal wholeness; the importance of true friendship in a relationship; and more. This book offers a balanced, biblical view for every believer who wants a prosperous and fulfilling marriage relationship.
In this book, Dr. Myles offers some of the best advice on the subject of finding the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. The principles in this book will guide you through a period that, for some, is the most confusing time of life. Waiting And Dating. Waiting and Dating by Myles Munroe I think Myles Munroe did a great job explaining why its so important to wait before we date.
Its harder not to have an undivided heart when youre not single anymore. I love that song!! However, I dont like how he tries to appeal to the mass audience by saying that he thinks adolescents mature at different rates, and girls usually mature faster and earlier than boys do.
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